We are on a break.

Recently I've been having the sorts of moods that indicate to me that my psyche is trying to work out some issue. I move from an anxiety that borders on panic combined with a sense of impending doom, on to prickly dissatisfaction that quickly devolves into irrational anger. And then I get super sad.

I was talking to my mom about the anxiety, and she described a very useful metaphor that I've been trying to embrace. If I imagine my heart or my self as a many-petaled flower, and realize that my thought energy moves around that flower, sometimes it lands on a petal that is anxious, or angry, or sad. Of course, sometimes it lands on a happy petal, or a peaceful one, or a silly one. The trick is to see that those states of being are transitory, and not focus so much on WHY it's on the sad petal. That last part is really hard for me, I tend to want to get the answer, to analyze my own mysterious behavior to derive some meaning and purpose for why I feel the way I do. Being inside my head is like being in traditional talk therapy every second of the day.

So the practice of observing that my thought energy is landed on an irritable petal feels strangely unproductive. But it's necessary, I think, if I don't want to take medication that changes my temperament in some fundamental way. Not that there's anything wrong with antidepressants, or, I'm assuming, anti-anxiety drugs (I've never taken the latter) -- but lately I'm finding myself a lot less willing to accept the medical or disease model as explanations for the myriad states of human beings and consciousness and health. B was telling me about this fascinating story about drug addiction and rats: Rat Park. The idea that we drink and take drugs and numb ourselves and hurt ourselves with self-loathing and other self-destructive behaviors being wholly attributable to our environment (mental, emotional, and physical) rings so true to me that the only answer is to do whatever it takes to really enjoy my life and trust that my body and my mind will heal of my tendency to hurt myself.

In other news: Miss Molly (I wish we could claim to have named her for Molly Ivins, but now I will say that I will think of her name as a tribute) has become marginally less irascible, and significantly less frail-seeming. Her incision is healing nicely, and she's been busy investigating the trailer. Unfortunately, Genghis has decided that her unfriendliness is a reason to punk on her and smack her whenever he gets the chance. She's so much smaller, so I worry, but her size makes her able to get away and get herself into places where he can't get to her. I hope they all eventually get along, because she's a good cat and I want her to be happy.

We had a very nice Valentine's Day in Madrid NM. We saw some art and craft, ate some decent food, and just relaxed in each other's company. B made me a mixtape just like old times. I love it.

A GREAT RECIPE FOR LIFE...

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to G-d about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to__________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control.
Instead, invest your energy in the present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. G-D heals everything - but you have to ask Him.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements
"I am thankful for_________. Today, I accomplish ed______."

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it.

Ideas are tumbling around in my head.

1. I tend toward orthorexia.
Hearing about "toxins" in food, water, environment, etc., really pushes my buttons. This is the impulse behind my various food schemes over the years, up to, and including, the recent (almost a year ago) giving up of "unclean" meat prompted by reading Peter Singer and others about the horrors of factory farming. To be honest, I'm not overly compassionate. I would never be a vegan purely for moral reasons -- I don't believe it's wrong to eat animals. I did and do find it immoral to participate as a consumer in the US flesh production industry for a number of reasons, one of which is the suffering of the animals.

The funny thing is, my giving up of factory farmed meat didn't really extend to the world outside my home. We don't buy that stuff anymore, but that doesn't mean I won't eat it if it's at someone's home or in a restaurant or whatever. Er, corrected: that doesn't mean I WOULDN'T (within the last year). I'm currently trying to be more consistent with that, no matter how much I love delicious meat.


And I'm really susceptible to ideas of "perfecting" my body's processes by giving myself the purest fuel I can. I was really astounded to read actual research journal articles linking cooking foods (especially proteins) to increased inflammation in healthy cells by way of Advanced Glycation End Products. It actually made me annoying, I think, since I wouldn't stop telling people about it.

All that (and the stories of people's miracle transformations on a predominantly raw diet) drive me toward the choices I'm making now around food.

2. I have a strong ego and sense of justice.
I think about the fascism (yes, I went there) fat people are subjected to regarding food and lifestyle choices. By fascist, I'm using this meaning: Fascism is an authoritarian nationalist ideology focused on solving economic, political, and social problems that its supporters see as causing national decline or decadence. [ZOMG TEH FATS ARE DRIVING UP HEALTH CARE COSTS AND THEIR FAT IS TOUCHING ME ON THE PLANE AND I HAVE TO SEE THEIR FAT BODY PARTS WHEN THEY WEAR TIGHT CLOTHES AND AND THEIR KIDS ARE FAT...WON'T SOMEONE PLEEEEEAAAASSSEEEE THINK OF THE FAT CHILDREN!!!!!!1111111 ] Fascists aim to create a single-party thin state in which the government is led by a dictator dictatorial zeitgeist that requires individuals to subordinate self-interest to the collective interest of of the nation or a race (e.g., that every woman be thin and sexy, and men be less fat, and children be taught that they must conform to society's ideal regarding quantity and location of adipose tissue or face institutionally sanctioned scorn and humiliation).

I remember being "normal-sized" around puberty, until it really kicked in (which was early, and we're large-breasted in my family, so I was getting the mean: "you should be wearing a bra" from peers in SIXTH GRADE. I was 10 or 11). It was also in that grade that my classmates in my choir elective conspired to turn the song we were singing (something about a groundhog) into a song about me. All I can remember is the chorus featured the phrase "Hannah hog" and that the teacher was in the room. I have a memory of looking at her and wondering why she didn't stop it. Maybe she did, but it was too late. I was 10 or 11.

So, I'm attracted to the fat acceptance movement. The idea that my body and its features (including size/location of fat, skin tone, hair, height, etc) should not be open to the judgment/opinions/commentary of others (friend OR foe) is remarkable -- I mean, I think all people have experienced inappropriate comments about their bodies, it's a standard of communication in our society, especially between intimates (friends and/or family). It just is. I've made them about others, and I don't even really register when someone makes them about me. And by inappropriate, I mean positive or negative. So, I'm trying to process that idea that body comments are not okay, and how to embrace it for myself. I think for me, even compliments (except from my husband) can cause me some subconscious turmoil. I think one of the reasons I got so fat has to do with too-early sexualization and premature sexual experiences. But I guess that's an uncomfortable blog topic for another time! Ha!

But it's this quote:

The reason fat activists have formed a movement is that it's unjust to be denied good medical care because we're fat; we think it's unjust that we can get fired for being fat; we think it's unjust that we face job and wage discrimination because we're fat; we think it's unjust that we can be charged more for basic services (like insurance) because we're fat; it's unjust that people glance at us and assume that we're lazy and care nothing for ourselves; and yes, although you'll sneer at this as "the right to feel good," it's unjust that fat people are taught from childhood to think of themselves as deficient, wrong, and disgusting.

Anit-fat bigotry isn't wrong because it's the same as facing lynch mobs. It's wrong because it's unjust. It's unjust because we're human and don't deserve to be treated as second-class people because of the shape of our bodies. Alas, a blog on Fat Acceptance

OK, the intersection: one of the important aspects of fat acceptance is allowing yourself to eat. Really eat, without shame or self-hatred or embarrassment or judgment. Just eat what you want, and as much of it. Margaret Cho says that was her first "success" in her diet journey. She says her diet is love and having the audacity to waste food. (She also says something funny about how people were afraid that her weight loss was because she was on some freaky raw food diet.) And I can totally get behind that, with my fat acceptance brain. It just sounds/feels right. I know that all the fucked-upedness around food isn't helping me. B said something to me the other night that really brought it home. He said he used to think my potato chip addiction was a mostly harmless weakness, like a sweet tooth. It took him this long to see that when I say "don't let me buy potato chips" I'm really seriously crying for help because I am somehow enslaved to them. That eating them weakens me emotionally and spiritually. It isn't a matter of impulse control or whatever, but they're such a specific trigger for me that it's uncontrollable. When I indulge that, it's not satisfying a craving, it's feeding an addiction. He says it unravels me. Nothing positive comes out of it, it's not empowering in the way that Margaret Cho describes. On a side note: thank God for my husband.

But my orthorexic brain doesn't want me to eat, really eat, whatever I want. And I'm trying to sort out if that's also some emotional/control issues, because that part of my brain feels right too! So what's going on right now? Example: If I indulge in my mom's mac & cheese, I don't judge myself because it's loaded with delicious fat and butter and cheese (so, fat acceptance FTW), I judge myself because it's full of wheat and dairy and ham (raw vegan FAIL)!

I don't have any answer. I just want to heal my body inside. I like to think that the perfectly designed machine that is my body works such that if I do that (heal the inside), I won't be fat. But that may not be the case, and if so, I want that to be okay with me too.

I guess I have to keep on down this dual path of making the food choices I want and accepting myself for who and how I am right now. I don't even know if it's possible to figure all this out. Le sigh.

Carpal:
1. Thanks for the respect!
2. Yes! Physical activity is an absolute necessity. It will enhance my mood, it will energize me, it will enhance my confidence and ability to deal with stress. I'm impressed at the level of commitment you have to it; your commitment inspires me. Now I just have to *do* something!
3. Food as fuel is a concept I'm still striving to really internalize. I'm getting there, the seeing this body as something that I can change, that is designed to function optimally, and that it's within my control and capability to make the changes so that it will function that way.

A Music Buff:
Thank you for your encouragement!!!! I love you and Dan. Please tell him I said he deserves every millimeter of space he takes up in the world (and then some!), and that there are tons of people whose lives would be poorer without him -- just as he is right now!!

Look, I know it's uncomfortable reading something like I wrote. That's why I was nervous to write it. It's like the feeling I get when someone overshares about something real personal in casual conversation. I always feel like "whoa, could you not have WARNED me that was coming?" And then I feel embarrassed and/or chagrined for them and at them.

But I had to do it. B asked me if it was cathartic, and I think it was. I originally wrote it for my blog on our raw food community site. I felt really compelled to because there seems to be (in my opinion) a lot of self-loathing that drives people making such drastic changes in their lives...self-loathing that prompts the change in the first place, and then self-loathing in the face of inevitable "failures" to maintain the change. I don't mean to say that everyone who starts eating primarily raw vegan is doing it out of self-hatred. And because SOMETHING happens in our minds and bodies when we stop eating a lot of junk, it seems there's a potential in the process for emotional healing. So I don't think the self-loathing has to be a permanent state.


SIDE NOTE: I'm sorry, I can't help but sound judgmental when I talk about "normal" American eating. By junk, I mean processed/boxed/fake sugar, white sugar, chemically treated white bread, fast food, most restaurant food, snack food, etc. I've eaten that stuff before, and I'm sure I'll eat all that stuff again, so I'm not trying to be sanctimonious. But its relationship to actual nourishing food is negligible and anyone who denies that is, well, in denial, in my opinion.

Also, the prior post is really something of a renewal for me. I have been struggling recently with how to get something meaningful out of my blogging. When I first started writing online with an awareness that friends/family/strangers may read it, I was way more open and direct and straightforward with my issues. Over time I have become reluctant to do that, partly because I'm married now and I would not wish to cause my spouse any pain or concern by venting about issues, and partly because it's awkward and scary to expose ones innermost feelings and fears to the opinions of others, no matter how affirming and supportive the others are. It just is scary. BUT, I only get one time around, one chance at this trip. If I give of myself this way, I may or may not heal or be healed, and may or may not offer someone else words that could start a path to healing as well. But if I don't give of myself, I will never know grace. That's just how it is, to me.

SO, I apologize, for reals, if I made you feel awkward for me. I am good, really good and really happy. These changes B & I are embracing are because we have that very special and huge goal of becoming parents. I'm sure I'll have a TON more crap I need to work out in the mean time. I love all of you who are reading this, even people I don't know who clicked some link idly to see what the heck I'm on about this time. You're giving me strength and hope just by reading, because what I would love more than anything is if something I'm dealing with helps someone else.

I was nervous to post this here because I wrote it for another forum where I'm more comfortable talking about my body. I hate the scale (imagine that) and only know how much I currently weigh because of my recent trip to the urgent care for my back. I was going to edit this, but I decided against it because reality is. I weigh what I weigh. I have teh Death Fat. It doesn't make me any dumber, any less loving, any unfunnier, any less worthwhile, any less human. It has made me bigger around, and made some physical activity more difficult, and made it harder to think of myself as attractive (see below), but that's about it. I'm lucky because I'm physically healthy inside despite teh Death Fat. I have no diabetes, low blood pressure, healthy cholesterol, no GI issues. So, here goes.

In order to see my body as the miracle it is, this perfect machine designed to hold my soul and consciousness during this life, I have to love it. And in order to love it, I have to stop hating it. Sounds simple, right? I have to love myself, REALLY love myself, not just pretend to be sort of ok with my fat arms and fat knees and ass that doesn't fit well in an airplane seat and double chin and giant breasts that have been a bane to me since age 11 or 12 and my two bellies (top belly and bottom belly) and my bigger-around-than-my-husband hips and the stretch marks and the and the and the...did I mention the fat arms?

In order to love myself, I have to allow for the fact that I am, right now, a worthwhile human being BECAUSE I EXIST. Despite my size or other factors deemed imperfect by a society with rigid norms about appearance (especially for women) I am a human being who deserves the space she takes up on this planet, no matter how much it is. And if I grew to 500lbs, that truth would not change. If I shrank to 88lbs, that truth would not change. I AM ALLOWED TO BE.

My body cannot function properly, cannot heal itself with its amazing healing abilities, cannot do the job it was created to do, if I despise and loathe and punish it for not conforming to some outside ideal that is based in money and marketing and subjugation and convincing us that we will never be okay, never be acceptable, never be loved, never be objects of desire, never be successful, never be WORTHY unless we are slim (but not SKINNY) and beautiful and youthful. And this doesn't just apply to women, I think men are subjected to the same messages, though they get other messages growing up about what makes them worthy as human beings, and they at least have a chance to aim for some ideal of "success" that is not completely dependent on being acceptable visual sexual stimulation.

OK. What I'm on about is this: My goal is to be really healthy and energetic and HEALTHY because I want to have a kid. To achieve this goal, I am choosing to consume the majority of my macro and micronutrients in the form of raw fruits and vegetables, olive oil, some cooked beans and grains, and some condiments. I am not anti-meat, I am not anti-egg or anti-animal products in my diet or the diets of others. I am simply trying to avoid eating those foods at this time because I believe eating them will impede my ability to reach my health goals.

I can't lie: I would love to be one of the miracle transformations who becomes slim and vibrant and beautiful eating raw and not giving up on it. But I can't make that my goal, or the slowness of the process will be too depressing and defeating. I would love to be skinny. But more importantly, I will love to be healthy so I can have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child and have the energy it takes to be a first-time mom in her 40s. I can't have any other goal.

And that brings me back to the top...I can't create and nurture another human being in my body if I hate it. So, I have to accept myself how I am now, all 300+lbs of me, and love me for that, and allow my miracle body to be loved and cared for and healed. Ice cream and ribs and POTATO CHIPS feed something in me, but whatever that is needs to go hungry for awhile while I feed my self-healing machine. I hope that by doing this, maybe I can process that hunger for junk and talk to that part of me that wants it about why and what it's doing to me.

If nothing else, I want to love and accept myself as a valuable worthwhile person. And it doesn't matter if I have a husband or a family who loves me or friends who think I'm sassy or whatever. I need to see that even if no one else in the world thought I was worthy of love, or a seat on the bus, I am and I deserve to be here because I AM.