Look, I know it's uncomfortable reading something like I wrote. That's why I was nervous to write it. It's like the feeling I get when someone overshares about something real personal in casual conversation. I always feel like "whoa, could you not have WARNED me that was coming?" And then I feel embarrassed and/or chagrined for them and at them.
But I had to do it. B asked me if it was cathartic, and I think it was. I originally wrote it for my blog on our raw food community site. I felt really compelled to because there seems to be (in my opinion) a lot of self-loathing that drives people making such drastic changes in their lives...self-loathing that prompts the change in the first place, and then self-loathing in the face of inevitable "failures" to maintain the change. I don't mean to say that everyone who starts eating primarily raw vegan is doing it out of self-hatred. And because SOMETHING happens in our minds and bodies when we stop eating a lot of junk, it seems there's a potential in the process for emotional healing. So I don't think the self-loathing has to be a permanent state.
SIDE NOTE: I'm sorry, I can't help but sound judgmental when I talk about "normal" American eating. By junk, I mean processed/boxed/fake sugar, white sugar, chemically treated white bread, fast food, most restaurant food, snack food, etc. I've eaten that stuff before, and I'm sure I'll eat all that stuff again, so I'm not trying to be sanctimonious. But its relationship to actual nourishing food is negligible and anyone who denies that is, well, in denial, in my opinion.
Also, the prior post is really something of a renewal for me. I have been struggling recently with how to get something meaningful out of my blogging. When I first started writing online with an awareness that friends/family/strangers may read it, I was way more open and direct and straightforward with my issues. Over time I have become reluctant to do that, partly because I'm married now and I would not wish to cause my spouse any pain or concern by venting about issues, and partly because it's awkward and scary to expose ones innermost feelings and fears to the opinions of others, no matter how affirming and supportive the others are. It just is scary. BUT, I only get one time around, one chance at this trip. If I give of myself this way, I may or may not heal or be healed, and may or may not offer someone else words that could start a path to healing as well. But if I don't give of myself, I will never know grace. That's just how it is, to me.
SO, I apologize, for reals, if I made you feel awkward for me. I am good, really good and really happy. These changes B & I are embracing are because we have that very special and huge goal of becoming parents. I'm sure I'll have a TON more crap I need to work out in the mean time. I love all of you who are reading this, even people I don't know who clicked some link idly to see what the heck I'm on about this time. You're giving me strength and hope just by reading, because what I would love more than anything is if something I'm dealing with helps someone else.
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