Ideas are tumbling around in my head.
1. I tend toward orthorexia.
Hearing about "toxins" in food, water, environment, etc., really pushes my buttons. This is the impulse behind my various food schemes over the years, up to, and including, the recent (almost a year ago) giving up of "unclean" meat prompted by reading Peter Singer and others about the horrors of factory farming. To be honest, I'm not overly compassionate. I would never be a vegan purely for moral reasons -- I don't believe it's wrong to eat animals. I did and do find it immoral to participate as a consumer in the US flesh production industry for a number of reasons, one of which is the suffering of the animals.
The funny thing is, my giving up of factory farmed meat didn't really extend to the world outside my home. We don't buy that stuff anymore, but that doesn't mean I won't eat it if it's at someone's home or in a restaurant or whatever. Er, corrected: that doesn't mean I WOULDN'T (within the last year). I'm currently trying to be more consistent with that, no matter how much I love delicious meat.
And I'm really susceptible to ideas of "perfecting" my body's processes by giving myself the purest fuel I can. I was really astounded to read actual research journal articles linking cooking foods (especially proteins) to increased inflammation in healthy cells by way of Advanced Glycation End Products. It actually made me annoying, I think, since I wouldn't stop telling people about it.
All that (and the stories of people's miracle transformations on a predominantly raw diet) drive me toward the choices I'm making now around food.
2. I have a strong ego and sense of justice.
I think about the fascism (yes, I went there) fat people are subjected to regarding food and lifestyle choices. By fascist, I'm using this meaning: Fascism is an authoritarian nationalist ideology focused on solving economic, political, and social problems that its supporters see as causing national decline or decadence. [ZOMG TEH FATS ARE DRIVING UP HEALTH CARE COSTS AND THEIR FAT IS TOUCHING ME ON THE PLANE AND I HAVE TO SEE THEIR FAT BODY PARTS WHEN THEY WEAR TIGHT CLOTHES AND AND THEIR KIDS ARE FAT...WON'T SOMEONE PLEEEEEAAAASSSEEEE THINK OF THE FAT CHILDREN!!!!!!1111111 ] Fascists aim to create a single-party thin state in which the government is led by a dictator dictatorial zeitgeist that requires individuals to subordinate self-interest to the collective interest of of the nation or a race (e.g., that every woman be thin and sexy, and men be less fat, and children be taught that they must conform to society's ideal regarding quantity and location of adipose tissue or face institutionally sanctioned scorn and humiliation).
I remember being "normal-sized" around puberty, until it really kicked in (which was early, and we're large-breasted in my family, so I was getting the mean: "you should be wearing a bra" from peers in SIXTH GRADE. I was 10 or 11). It was also in that grade that my classmates in my choir elective conspired to turn the song we were singing (something about a groundhog) into a song about me. All I can remember is the chorus featured the phrase "Hannah hog" and that the teacher was in the room. I have a memory of looking at her and wondering why she didn't stop it. Maybe she did, but it was too late. I was 10 or 11.
So, I'm attracted to the fat acceptance movement. The idea that my body and its features (including size/location of fat, skin tone, hair, height, etc) should not be open to the judgment/opinions/commentary of others (friend OR foe) is remarkable -- I mean, I think all people have experienced inappropriate comments about their bodies, it's a standard of communication in our society, especially between intimates (friends and/or family). It just is. I've made them about others, and I don't even really register when someone makes them about me. And by inappropriate, I mean positive or negative. So, I'm trying to process that idea that body comments are not okay, and how to embrace it for myself. I think for me, even compliments (except from my husband) can cause me some subconscious turmoil. I think one of the reasons I got so fat has to do with too-early sexualization and premature sexual experiences. But I guess that's an uncomfortable blog topic for another time! Ha!
But it's this quote:
The reason fat activists have formed a movement is that it's unjust to be denied good medical care because we're fat; we think it's unjust that we can get fired for being fat; we think it's unjust that we face job and wage discrimination because we're fat; we think it's unjust that we can be charged more for basic services (like insurance) because we're fat; it's unjust that people glance at us and assume that we're lazy and care nothing for ourselves; and yes, although you'll sneer at this as "the right to feel good," it's unjust that fat people are taught from childhood to think of themselves as deficient, wrong, and disgusting.
Anit-fat bigotry isn't wrong because it's the same as facing lynch mobs. It's wrong because it's unjust. It's unjust because we're human and don't deserve to be treated as second-class people because of the shape of our bodies. Alas, a blog on Fat Acceptance
This is what makes me jump with both feet on the fat acceptance bandwagon. It's in line with the emotional issues I've been dealing with about worth and acceptability how I am right now. Fat discrimination is real. It doesn't matter how or why I got so fat or what, if anything, I'm doing about it. Being marginalized because of it is unjust.
OK, the intersection: one of the important aspects of fat acceptance is allowing yourself to eat. Really eat, without shame or self-hatred or embarrassment or judgment. Just eat what you want, and as much of it. Margaret Cho says that was her first "success" in her diet journey. She says her diet is love and having the audacity to waste food. (She also says something funny about how people were afraid that her weight loss was because she was on some freaky raw food diet.) And I can totally get behind that, with my fat acceptance brain. It just sounds/feels right. I know that all the fucked-upedness around food isn't helping me. B said something to me the other night that really brought it home. He said he used to think my potato chip addiction was a mostly harmless weakness, like a sweet tooth. It took him this long to see that when I say "don't let me buy potato chips" I'm really seriously crying for help because I am somehow enslaved to them. That eating them weakens me emotionally and spiritually. It isn't a matter of impulse control or whatever, but they're such a specific trigger for me that it's uncontrollable. When I indulge that, it's not satisfying a craving, it's feeding an addiction. He says it unravels me. Nothing positive comes out of it, it's not empowering in the way that Margaret Cho describes. On a side note: thank God for my husband.
But my orthorexic brain doesn't want me to eat, really eat, whatever I want. And I'm trying to sort out if that's also some emotional/control issues, because that part of my brain feels right too! So what's going on right now? Example: If I indulge in my mom's mac & cheese, I don't judge myself because it's loaded with delicious fat and butter and cheese (so, fat acceptance FTW), I judge myself because it's full of wheat and dairy and ham (raw vegan FAIL)!
I don't have any answer. I just want to heal my body inside. I like to think that the perfectly designed machine that is my body works such that if I do that (heal the inside), I won't be fat. But that may not be the case, and if so, I want that to be okay with me too.
I guess I have to keep on down this dual path of making the food choices I want and accepting myself for who and how I am right now. I don't even know if it's possible to figure all this out. Le sigh.
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