Figured it out
01.05.09
OH, I remembered how to post to my blog from work!
illuminated mind I have dreams and goals, but I don't know how to get to them. I have read advice that says break everything down into doable steps, and now I'm reading the above, which says stop trying to follow your mind, and follow your heart instead.
I'm not sure why that resonates with me, but it does. It makes me think of how happy I've been feeling, for no good reason. I just did pretty much nothing for my vacation. Just lived. Didn't have chore lists or lots of projects meticulously planned, I just kind of did stuff. Is that what made me happy?
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Just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins
01.05.09
Sir Fancy-Pants
Originally uploaded by misshannahbee
Well, I am back at work. The reason this blog entry is accompanied by the dog foto is that I do NOT know how to post to this blog from work. HA HA HA. So I can use flickr's "blog this photo" application to post to my blog!
This is going to be our year, everyone. All of us.
I haven't given up my goal of positivity, or of creativity, or of some other ivity (seems like that suffix should be from the same root as VITAL or VITA, Latin for LIFE -- even though it's not) even though I haven't been maintaining as well as I'd like. I just know that during my break, through the cold and the ridiculous back pain, I felt such a sense of happiness that wasn't related to hormones (meaning: no PMS mood swings, even when there should have been) or external events. I was on vacation, yes, but at the absolutely most stressful time of the year! I was sick, and in pain, but still felt so happy to be alive and in the circumstances I'm in. And not in a fake way. Really just happy.
What is that all about?
Well, I plan to do this again, maybe today or tomorrow! See yas!
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Sickly Sam
12.22.08
So, no photoblogging, no regular blogging. I am sick with a cold that I believe came through my husband and attacked me, but he thinks we both got it at the same time from my mom, and he weakened his immune system with exposure to a bunch of dust and that's why he is a few days ahead of me in the progression.
In addition, I really need to see a specialist about my back, it is worsening very rapidly. AND it's Christmas week, so good luck with that!
I will try to update more later, but I can't sit and type.
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Gel Pack
12.18.08
Gel Pack
Originally uploaded by misshannahbee
I'm not a picture hanger (but am becoming a picture taker, which is the very loose, nay, forced connection in this entry!).
I now have some things framed, but they're still put away in the closet after almost a year! I'm over at my parents' right now, and I realized this not caring about having stuff on the walls must come from my mom.
See, my mom found a gorgeous oil painting at the thrift store. She paid about 30x what she spent on it to have it professionally framed. Then she hung it in a place where only she can see it, and only when she's lying in bed in a particular position. Because why? Because it's not displaying it for anyone else that is gratifying to her. It's looking at it. So I have my framed items, and I keep the so I can see them when I want to, but I don't care if anyone else ever sees them or what they think of them. I don't know if that's healthy or not!
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The Old 97's
12.17.08
The Old 97's
Originally uploaded by misshannahbee
I don't know if I can wash that hat, but it sure looks gross! Didn't look that dusty when we left at 6:40 this a.m.
We had tentative plans to go see this band in Austin two days after Christmas, but we have deferred that gratification in favor of saving to take a larger/realer vacation some time next year.
This is all I have today, my back is so fucking killing me that I can barely sit still for more than 5 min at a time at work, but I really don't want to go home. I mean, I really DO want to go home, but I really am not going to, until 5pm.
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I call it ghat
12.16.08
friend: Whaddup, yo? 12:47 PM friend: I said, WHADDUP, YO? 12:49 PM me: what is UP I am reading my journal from 2004 12:51 PM friend: how come you're reading your journal anyway - aren't you at work? me: what? hm? I'm not sure I understand the question... friend: I meant, why are you reading your journal right now. shouldn't you be...working? 12:53 PM me: wow, still not getting the meaning behind that question. I guess I should quit chatting and get back to work! :D 12:54 PM friend: hey, chatting is different. because it benefits more than just yourself. me! me: well, i'm hoping that reading my old journal will benefit others because it will make me as funny and clever as I was back then, rather than boring as I am now when I write. 12:55 PM I had a lot of mojo back then, for some reason. friend: hmmm...mojo. yes. I had more mojo back then too. maybe it's...age 12:56 PM me: that sucks. it was only 4 years ago! 12:57 PM friend: yeah, I'm sure its not age. But I think you still have your mojo. me: thanks, I was not fishing for that! i think it's partly marriage friend: And I write differently now too. some of the stuff from back then is funny, but a lot of it isn't. it's just changing times. Like have you seen Monty Python lately? not funny anymore 12:58 PM marriage eh? do you think you're becoming a Hannabot 12:59 PM me: No, i think it's that the drive i felt and expressed was diverted into my marriage, so i don't have as much left over, nor as much need to connect with people, since i have that connection, now. does that make sense? 1:00 PM friend: yes, if you think that the energy you put into your writing was because of desire to connect with people 1:02 PM me: but isn't that what that kind of writing is? I mean, if I didn't want anyone to read it, I'd write in a private or paper journal. My writing was for the consumption of others. Even if they didn't/don't comment, I know someone is reading it. Isn't that the desire you have when you want to play and sing in front of people? 1:03 PM friend yeah. so are you writing less, or not writing as good. 'cause it seems like if you didn't have the desire to connect, and writing was your way or a way of connecting, then you'd write less instead of...worse. 1:04 PM me: I write less. When I write, it's ok. But I think with the kind of writing I like to do, it gets better/easier the more I practice. So the writing less = writing worse, in my opinion. 1:05 PM That's why I have this goal to blog SOMETHING every day. Just to get going. But it's harder to do than I expect. I just don't make time for it, mentally. 1:06 PM friend: I don't think I'd force myself to write if I didn't want to. Seems like all you'd get was drivel anyway. creativity and art has to be inspired by a need to create 1:08 PM me: yes. you're right. but isn't it also a craft, something that has to be practiced? In reading these back entries, I see something else that was going on that's not now. I don't feed my mind very much. I watch too much tv and spend the rest of my time playing video games or typing snarky bits on twitter. I don't have anything going in that requires a lot of thought and synthesis, which is where my best writing came from. 1:09 PM friend: well you only have so much energy. There's lots of things I want to do too. 1:10 PM me: THAT is what has to do with age, and that's what sucks! You're right, I don't have the energy to do everything I want to do. I need to focus!
So! Final determination? I need to feed my mind, and to focus, because my brain is not young enough anymore to be all scattered about, or to produce ideas out of thin air!
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Red scarf
12.15.08
Red scarf
Originally uploaded by misshannahbee
This scarf is red eyelash and red acrylic crocheted together in tr with a K hook. I put a hole in it for tucking, and it's shorter + wider than my normal long skinny scarf. I wanted something VERY bright and warm, and I think that's what I got.
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